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Dr Archeville

[Musical Vignette] Poor Superstitious Fools

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On Earth-Prme, Doktor Viktor Archeville’s experiences at the house of Avenger & Phantom lead to his Evil side both fully waking and becoming physically manifest in a Jekyll/Hyde-like transformation.

But on another world, things happened a bit differently. On one, the events at the Faretti household only lead to his Evil side taking dominance mentally, with no physical changes. The physical metamorphosis would come three months later, when Blake Salazar, known better as the squamous superhero Kid Cthulhu, ventures to Doktor Archeville's home in Hanover in search of help. On this world, his relationship with Jessica "Ironclad" Parker had been slow going, as she could not get over his appearance.

He is met at the gate by a red lion-man robot (NERGAL) and a silver-furred gorilla-bot in a tuxedo (Butleraffe).

(Song is to the tune of "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from The Little Mermaid)

Butleraffe and NERGAL: This way.

{Kid Cthulhu enters and walks down the path. The Lawn Gnomes flanking the sides slowly turn to watch him with their laser-red eyes as he approaches the door, which swings open.}

Archeville: {spoken} Come in. Come in, mein boy. Ve mustn't lurk in doorvays.

{Archeville steps into the light. His Electromagnetic Screwdrvier pokes out of his top labcoat pocket; it has a new, oddly glowing crystal on one of the emitters.}

Archeville: It's rude. Von might question your upbringing...

{Archeville snickers}

Archeville: Now, den. You're here because you haff a ding for dis Jessica. Dis, er, Iron Woman. Not dat I blame you - she is quite a catch, isn't she?

{Archeville snickers as he strolls down the corridors of his home. Butleraffe and NERGAL nudge Kid Cthulhu on to follow.}

Archeville: Vell, lover-boy, de solution to your problem is simple. De only way to get vhat you vant... is to rid yourself of dose unnatural 'magical' mutations.


Kid Cthulhu: Can you do that?

{Archeville grins, and flings open the set of double doors they’ve stopped at, revealing his ginormous laboratory.}

Archeville: Mein dear, good boy. Dat's vhat I do - it's vhat I live for. To help superstitious metas - like yourself. Poor fools mit no von else to turn to...

Archeville: {Full Song} I admit mein family's past is rather nasty

Sey veren't kidding vhen sey called me, vell, "quite mad"

{Archeville begins to 'walk on air' above the laboratory}

Archeville: But you'll find dat nowadays

I've atoned mein namesake's vays

Vorked hard to bring some good from all de bad

True? Ja

{Archeville leans close to KC}

Archeville: Und I fortunately know Metagenetics

In this Scientific field I am unmatched

{Archeville floats over to a massive glass-topped table}

Archeville: Und I always, as I should

Do use it for the good

Of the miserable, lonely und detached

{Archeville waves a hand over the table, and holographic images of two people appear. One is a tall, scrawny teenager, the other a very macho, muscular he-man.}

{Archeville leans back, to his two robots}

Archeville: (Pathetic)

{Archeville resumes circling the holo-table}

Archeville: Poor superstitious fools

In pain

In need

Dis von longing to be stronger

Dat von vants to be a girl

Und do I help sem?

{Archeville snaps his fingers. The tall, scrawny teen becomes a muscular he-man, the macho he-man becomes a petite and demure yet sexy woman}

Archeville: Ja, indeed

Dose poor superstitious fools

So sad

So true

Sey come flocking to mein vorkshop

Crying, "Genes, Archeville, please!"

Und I help sem?

Ja, I do

Now it's happened vonce or twice

Someone couldn't pay de price

Und I'm afraid I had to do vhat might seem cruel

{Archeville waves his hand again, and the two holographic people are – quite painfully – changed. The scrawny teen-turned-strongman painfully expands into a monstrous hulk, the strongman-turned-little woman is painfully converted into cyborg. The images then disappear.}

Archeville: Ja, I've had de odd protest

But in the end I know vhat's best

{Archeville strikes a heroic, almost Centurion-like pose.)

Archeville: For dose poor superstitious fools

Archeville: {spoken} Now, here's de deal. I will make you a serum dat vill suppress your mutations for three days. Got dat? Three days. Now listen, dis is important. Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get dear ol' Parker to fall in love with you. That is, she's got to kiss you. Not just any kiss - the kiss of true love. (Dat's de only vay you can get de hormones needed to finalize de transformation.)

{The holo-table projects a new image, of Blake Salazar running through a field.}

Archeville: If she does kiss you before de sun sets on de third day, you'll remain powerless, permanently, but - if she doesn't, you turn back into a squidface, und

{The holographic image of KC reverts back to his Cthulhoid form, and if anything looks even more monstrous.}

Archeville: you belong to me.

Jerry the Shoggoth: No Kid Cthulhu!

{It is silenced by Butleraffe and NERGAL.}

Archeville: Have ve got a deal?

Kid Cthulhu: If I lose my Cthulhu powers, I'll never be a superhero again.

Archeville: Dat's right!

{Archeville shows (feigned) shock at the prospect}

Archeville: But - you'll haff your girl.

{Archeville snickers}

Archeville: Life's full of tough choices, innit?

{Archeville snickers, and lays across the holo-table}

Archeville: Oh - und dere is von more ding.

{Archeville floats lazily back up into the air}

Archeville: Ve haffn't discussed de subject of payment. You can't get something for nutzing, you know.

Kid Cthulhu: But I don't have any –

{Archeville darts back into cover KC’s mouth with his hand}

Archeville: I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I vant from you is... your book.

Kid Cthulhu: My Necronomicon?

Archeville: You've got it, squidface. No more potions, rituals, zip.

Kid Cthulhu: But without my book, how can I –

Archeville: {Full Song} You'll haff new looks! A handsome face! Und don't underestimate de importance of body language! Ha!

{Archeville does a pelvic thrust}

Archeville: De girls out there don't like slimy tentacles

Sey think a guy mit suckers is a horror

{Archeville darts off to assorted sections of his laboratory, pulling forth catalysts and reagents and tossing them towards a large workbench}

Archeville: Ja, 'round here it's much endorsed

To have all magic be divorced

And after all, lad, vhat's "abracadabra" for?

Come on, sey're not all dat impressed mit "hocus pocus"

De thought of it makes techies vant to hurl

But de ladies are magnetic

Vhen your body's made athletic

It's he mit GQ looks who gets de girl

{Archeville darts down to the workbench and begins combining the chemicals, along with jolts of electricity from machinery overhead. There are lots of tiny explosions}

Archeville: Come on, you poor superstitious fool

Go ahead!

Take a look!

{An image of Jessica's face projects up from the holo-table, smiling down on Kid Cthulhu.}

Archeville: I'm a very busy Doktor

Und I haffn't got all day

It von't cost much

Just your book!

{The last line is sung by the holo-Robin, in Archeville's voice, then the image dissipates}

Archeville: You poor superstitious fool

It's sad

But true

If you vant to play de game, my boy

You've got to look real cool

{Archeville produces an especially large syringe from his labcoat pocket; it floats in the air next to Kid Cthulhu}

Archeville: Just a prick und den a spark

Your face und body I'll retool!

{Aside to his robots}

Archeville: B'affe, NERGAL, now I've got him, 'bots

De Doktor's gonna rule

{Points to Kid Cthulhu}

Archeville: Dis poor superstitious fool!

{Kid Cthulhu sticks himself, drawing blood. The syringe flies to Archeville’s hand; he grins evilly as he adds this last component to the serum.}

Archeville: Come, Watson, Crick, Wilkins,

Come meta-bio-chemistry

Catalysts, Nucleases,

Et Null Transcriptases -

Ihr zauber to me

Now . . . chant!

Kid Cthulhu: {chants in a strange, inhuman tongue, making sounds no human mouth or throat could}

Archeville: Keep chanting!

{The syringe draws up the serum, flies to Kid Cthulhu, and injects him. Archeville laughs as the young hero’s Cthulhu form melts off him (leaving the powerless human Blake Salazar), and the melted Cthulhu-bits slither towards Archeville and join to him, turning him into a black-scaled, crimson-haired Deep One. An explosion knocks Blake and Jerry the Shoggoth out of Archeville’s laboratory.}

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